marycatelli (marycatelli) wrote,
marycatelli
marycatelli

100 things I will do if I am ever a Doctor Who villain

A far from exhaustive list.

  1. All corridors in my stronghold will be straight, with no protruding columns, or archways, or niches.
  2. All guards will have peripheral vision.
  3. All guards will be instructed to search thoroughly, and look from side to side while doing so.
  4. I will clean all murder weapons I have used before I accuse someone else of the crime.
  5. All instruments for giving orders to those under mind-control will require physical authentication prior to the issuing of any orders.
  6. I will imprison the traitor who is helping me somewhere different from the other prisoners I take, so they can't confer.
  7. Once I duplicate a prisoner -- to attack his friends, to act as a spy, or for any other purpose -- I will destroy the original.
  8. If I have mind-controlled a prisoner to send him after his friends, I will not assume that his return proves success; I will assume that he has shaken off the mind-control.
  9. When I have captured people together, I will not assume they are confederates because of their being found together; I will imprison them separately to ensure they will not have the chance to confer.
  10. That goes double when I am imprisoning the new prisoners with prisoners I've already captured.
  11. Even if they are being processed for a punishment center that will put them out of commission and destroy their memory.
  12. The Doctor will be searched and all technological gadgets will be removed from his possession -- especially anything sonic.
  13. Nothing theoretically useful will be kept in the cell, even it requires substantial work or changes to be actually useful.
  14. When attempting to escape danger with the Doctor, I will see what coordinates are fed into the TARDIS before he feeds them in.
  15. Crucial attacks will not be held up by half-completed scientific experiments.  I will either have alternative plans or ensure that the experiments are complete with plentiful leeway.
  16. Such is my scientific genius that if I genetically engineer beings to believe themselves superior to all other beings, they will believe it.  Even my genius will not persuade them that I am not inferior to them.  Therefore, I will not genetically engineer them that way.
  17. I will remember that the very best false flag attacks really do come from the enemy; therefore, I will consider all assistance from my enemies, to enable me to attack effectively, a way to ensure such an attack.
  18. If handicapped, I will ensure that I can access all safes, equipment, doorways, etc. that I need.  Not only is it awkward to depend on a trusted lieutenant, someone else can deduce that the lieutenant has access because I could not get in.
  19. If I belong to an anomalous race, I will blame my own misdeeds on another member of my own race rather than aliens.  This way, if a trap is set for me, the Doctor will not notice the coincidence of the aliens have a physiology like my own.
  20. Flunkies who must take poison when they fail will carry the poison with them, so I need not smuggle the poison to them when they are prisoner.
  21. Leaving my organization is the last thing my flunkies will do.
  22. As a flunky, I will not apologize for failure in a lethal manner.
  23. When convinced that my overlord has betrayed me, I will confess to the Doctor in a succinct and clear manner.
  24. I will not associate with those known to kill for fun.  They might kill valuable associates for fun.
  25. When I, as a cult member, am told by another member that he is doomed by the wrath of the god/goddess/demon, but I should run -- I will run.  Like hell.
  26. When the god appears to test us and starts killing, I will run.  Like hell.
  27. Whoever has to appear at a certain time and place to make certain claims -- will have a double of some kind who can appear in his place.  I will therefore not rely on kidnapping to prevent his appearance.
  28. I will remember that no matter how striking a duplicate appears, it could be a coincidence, and the duplicate a human.
  29. When I wish to meet with the Doctor, I will chose the location, make any necessary arrangements, and put an armed, 24-hour guard on it; then, and only then, will I inform the Doctor that is where we are to meet.
  30. I will alert my guards to the presence of valuable employees in the area before they shoot them, and not after, when the alert only lets the Doctor get away.
  31. In event of romantic entanglements with the staff, valuable employees will be convinced that the inconvenience of a state marriage will certainly not interfere with our relationship.  (Not valuable employees will be removed to where they can not interfere.)
  32. Strangers are competent with the local weapons.
  33. Equipment -- or people -- needed to maintain control will not be kept in easily available locations, such as behind a tapestry.
  34. Victims of my mind control devices will wear the devices in inconspicuous and hard-to-reach locations.
  35. My devices will not have visible and readily removable power sources.
  36. Inveigling your way into the Doctor's trust gives you a chance to know his personality.  People chosen for this technique of assassination will therefore not be recruited by lying to them; they will be chosen from those who want to assassinate him as he is.
  37. If I want to revenge myself, I will not go to war with the society of my enemy to get them to give him to me; that makes them my enemy as well.
  38. If I want to keep prisoners alive, I will check their health immediately on capture and secure whatever means are needed to keep them alive.
  39. I will not engage in gun-running to anyone who hates me personally, however much money it brings.
  40. When the planet is about to erupt in mud flows, I will take what I've got and run.
  41. I will not keep prisoners in the main control room, however well I've shackled them.
  42. I will remember that my personal assistant knows a great deal about my work and take steps to secure her support by means more sure than loyalty alone.
  43. I will not enlist time travelers from the future in a plan that will entail altering their own future.
  44. I will not assume that my subordinates will not join forces with the enemy if they realize that I am a greater danger.
  45. When trying to emulate human speech, I will remember any catch phrases I often use in my own voice, and avoid them all.
  46. No matter how desperately I need the Doctor prisoner, I will not give his friends time to give him up.  The Doctor will only use it to foil me.
  47. Even if I am locked in desperate war with other humans, aliens can't tell us apart.  I will therefore defer all plans to attack the other humans until after the alien attack is dealt with.
  48. A firefight is not a convenient distraction to allow my escape.
  49. Adding killing their friends to the list of things a mind-controlled person must do is just asking for trouble.
  50. Mind-controlled people will be killed when they are no longer useful, not kept around until they shake off the mind control.
  51. Anything that looks like a gun is a gun, and even if it was meant for another race, may harm me, too.
  52. If I sabotage a piece of equipment and plant the removed part in someone's baggage to frame him for it, I will ensure that the part can't be easily restored by the person I am framing, or that additional damage will ensure that restoring the part will not make the equipment functional again.  So embarrassing to make him the hero of the day instead.
  53. Mind-controlled people will not assume that an attempt to control another mind is successful until the other person has shown it, and will not blab details about the plan until then.
  54. My mind control will not be thrown off by counter-hypnosis.
  55. Mind-controlled people will be given orders to avoid all actions and inactions that could harm the cause.
  56. If someone was seen in the vicinity of a base, shortly before I had to kill him, I will ensure that his body is disposed of so as not to be found until much later, if at all; the vicinity is enough of a connection.  (Given that I don't know whether he was seen, I will assume this applies to all bodies.)
  57. If I am dissecting a new specimen, the first of its species, I will not start with a living, specimen, not under anesthesia.  Particularly if it's big enough to put up a good fight.
  58. If I prey on humans, I will ensure they are well-fed, and well-fed enough to breed copiously.
  59. Recruits to vampirism will be kept in bonds until they are actually vampires no matter how eager they profess to be.
  60. The jacks-of-all-trades will not be allowed near something they can botch up, especially if I will receive a bonus for it's not being botched, but they won't.
  61. I will avoid the do-something fallacy:  something must be done, this is something, this must be done.
  62. If I know that the Doctor has an ally in the vicinity, I will not keep all my attention on the Doctor.
  63. When the Doctor points my own gun at me and warns that it is on automatic before he makes his get-away, I will remember that the gun can't be set on automatic before the Doctor escapes.
  64. When I need flesh-based prisoners to carry out tasks, I will capture some beforehand, instead of keeping a few alive on the site.  That way I can chose some compliance.
  65. My detection equipment will keep track of all the people I am tracking, even at a distance and through interference.
  66. I will make allowances for my enemies moving more quickly than anticipated.
  67. If someone blurts out that my enemies have a weapon that they have not used, I will assume whatever reason they had for not using it was, or will be, fixed.
  68. If using my ancient enemies, I will ensure that I have the only weapon that attacks their weaknesses.
  69. Everyone willing to collaborate is a double agent.  That goes double for the Doctor.
  70. Shot while trying to escape arrest beats letting the Doctor talk at the trial.
  71. If you chase two rabbits at once, you will catch neither.  Therefore, if I want to live, and want to have revenge on the Doctor, I will pick one and stick to it.
  72. Fun though leaving the Doctor alive to see my triumph is, my triumph is more important.  Shoot for fatality, not stunning.
  73. Having the Doctor lower all the defenses are insufficient for safety.  Keeping the Doctor controlled is necessary.
  74. Anyone who can blur his thoughts or who has a shielded room against telepathy is unsuitable as a mole, because he's obviously a double agent.
  75. If assuming the form of the Doctor, I will give it up the moment it's no longer necessary, so he can't imitate me.
  76. Pirate flunkies will be disposed of after they do their job but before they try to dispose of me.
  77. I will keep track of political developments on the home planet that may derail my plan.
  78. After I dispose of my assassin and find the man who chose him for me, I will kill him too without explanation.
  79. The Doctor will not be useful to help my experiments.
  80. If the Doctor is caught trying to free prisoners from shackles, I will have the shackles checked and relocked if they were loosened.
  81. If I own a portable device capable of communicating with my superiors, I will carry it with me and not leave it about for some subordinate to misappropriate.
  82. My guards will never pronounce a place clear when it has any sort of container with something draped over it.
  83. When there is a decoy, and the real thing, and I am taking one back from the Doctor, I will believe him when he says it's the wrong one.
  84. It is beneath my dignity to respond to being accused of delusions of grandeur.  This will also prevent my letting information slip.
  85. If a character is bound with ropes or other cuttable things, all knives in the vicinity will be removed.
  86. My device will not require captive humans to operate it.
  87. If I am the master of a hive mind, I will not allow the Doctor to isolate me from it.
  88. I will not tell captives my plans.  The Doctor will rescue them.
  89. If holding the Doctor, or anyone else, hostage with a knife to the throat, I will not move my hands away when surprised.
  90. If I hold a monopoly on metals on my planet, and an ambassador arrives to discuss a trading agreement for metals, I will not shove the ambassador into a pit.  I will instead mention that they can not hope to match my trading knowledge on the planet, and as the existing source for metals, they can easily work through me.
  91. I will not take people for ransom until I know they can be ransomed.
  92. I will train myself out of saying, "I'm rich" in the presence of those I've promised to share the loot with.  If it slips, and one retorts that "we" are rich, I will tell him that that means I'm rich, and so is he.
  93. If I have a stranglehold on my society, and the Doctor comes along to poke at the technique I use, I will alert all my servants that he is a known con-man who weaves stories of how societies can be improved before he reveals my artificial limitation of resources.
  94. I will not centralize control of the supply of mind-control agents into the air system.
  95. I will remember that revolting subjects will not be overawed by my authority.
  96. If a surveillance system shows the Doctor performing a repetitive action, he tampered with it.
  97. All prisoners will be inspected for intelligence separately, because they may not, after all, be the same.
  98. I will not destroy or kill instead of following the main plan.
  99. I will dispose of slaves too stupid to be used, not let them wander around to prove smart enough to commit sabotage.
  100. When a subordinate boasts of his powers, I will not assume they are fake, or trickery, or magic, or science; I will make plans that can take any possibility into account.

Tags: heroes and villains, whimsy
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