However -- please remember that the way words spontaneously come flowing from your pen is not necessarily the way that they come flowing for anyone else. It is thus ill-advised to say that the style ought to be more natural, or less affected, overwrought, etc. It makes it hard to take you seriously. Especially if you sternly declare that if the sentences aren't "subject verb object" the writer is being cutesy.
And, incidentally, say what you actually object to in the style. Leaving aside the problem that the writer's natural style may be to festoon sentences with clauses, phrases, and verbals, just saying it should be more natural does not tell the writer that you got lost in some of the sentences.